Necessity
How can I address and heal the suppressed sorrow that continuously prompts my tears, particularly when I remain unaware of its origins?
Dear Judit,
Before anything else, please forgive me for leaving your question unanswered for too long. I tend to abstain from letter-writing while travelling, as it demands more than mere basics from me: it necessitates a quiet moment alone, and a time when I feel relatively at home. Back in Berlin, I´ m using these first moments to answer your question.
So, to address your question, despite not being a psychologist and probably answering your question with an impression, I want to share something of which I would like to ask you to hold it in your heart: life is right, whatever happens!
Your tears, that rise up out of the depths of time, make sadness rise. It may seem as though they cast a veil of blindness over life, while outside, a profound silence stretches, akin to a sleeping god. However, I don't believe you're faced with a dormant deity, but rather with an existence that is much stronger: the divine simplicity of life.
Consider the lily, which thrives not from physical pleasure or pain, but from essential inclinations that surpass both pleasure and pain, far more powerful than desires and resistance. The raw energy of it, alive and dancing within, suddenly erupts in the brightness of light. It is not a fully matured power but always young and refreshing, one that can play with death as a child.
The finest writers have always wanted to express this, always with less perfection. They believe in the infinite power of grammar, yet they lack precisely the divine simplicity that unfolds in the lily.
But what if you view your tears as you would view a lily, seeing in them a reflection of our deepest drives, simply guided by the demands of necessity? You would not observe yourself too much. You would not draw too hasty conclusions from what happened to you in the name of the past. You would simply let it happen to you. Of course the past is not uninvolved with everything that is going on in you now. The unusual circumstances of the past are so complex, so difficult, open to so many influences and at the same time so endlessly detached from the nameless now.
Just as the lily, whose petals rise, put not too much energy in clarifying and justifying your tears to others. Instead, be lucid and attentive to the emotions that rise up in you. Try to embrace your sadness as wide as your senses can reach. The quieter, the more patient and open you are in your sadness, the more one can see it so clearly on the bottom. This is because we have no cause to be unhappy about tears, for it is not against us, it is the simple necessity in which life renews itself. The human who is ashamed of tears is ashamed for the beauty of the lily, and is living this mystery falsely and badly. Yes, rebirth is in the eye of all of us.
So Judit, you carry the world within you and its tears are not too heavy for your heart to suffer. Maybe you are upset when an unknown sadness rises up in front of you, greater than any you have ever seen before. But you mustn’t think that life has forgotten you. Life holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.
With all my best wishes, and I firmly believe that one day these tears will invite you to dance.
With love,
Coma